In order: best friend is dead, things go wrong with Fritz, parents split up.

I'm so stressed and so confused and so worried.

I'm only writing this because I have nowhere else to write right now.

My shoulder hurts, my eyes hurt, my head hurts, my heart hurts, my mind hurts.

I have hereby determined that no one fucking reads this.

::bows::

Eight months, by the way.

TxxnageDirtbag: it would have been nice to still be her frined but i cant go back now
istoleyourspot: yes, yo ucan.
istoleyourspot: you can talk to her.
TxxnageDirtbag: no
TxxnageDirtbag: i dont wanna talk to her
istoleyourspot: why?
TxxnageDirtbag: i cant change what happened
TxxnageDirtbag: i am embarrassed and angry and sad
TxxnageDirtbag: i am not going to just go out and talk to her
istoleyourspot: you can change what's GOING to happen.
istoleyourspot: well, then, fine.
TxxnageDirtbag: anyways she doesnt want to talk to me
istoleyourspot: if you aren'ts going to make an effort, that's your decision.
TxxnageDirtbag: she made it clear that she never wants to talk to me again
TxxnageDirtbag: so its not my decision
istoleyourspot: then challenge her, I don't know!
TxxnageDirtbag: what ever
TxxnageDirtbag: ur being a bitch
TxxnageDirtbag: i dont wanna talk to u anymore
TxxnageDirtbag: just shoot me in the head
istoleyourspot: you know what?
istoleyourspot: I'm fucking sorry.
istoleyourspot: I can't help you if you won't help yourself.
istoleyourspot: I don't fucking care if you've "tried", you need to try harder.
istoleyourspot: it's your life, you make your own decisions.
istoleyourspot: I can only give my opinion.
istoleyourspot: Goodbye. And good luck. You'll need it.
TxxnageDirtbag signed off at 9:45:26 PM.

TxxnageDirtbag: it would have been nice to still be her frined but i cant go back now
istoleyourspot: yes, yo ucan.
istoleyourspot: you can talk to her.
TxxnageDirtbag: no
TxxnageDirtbag: i dont wanna talk to her
istoleyourspot: why?
TxxnageDirtbag: i cant change what happened
TxxnageDirtbag: i am embarrassed and angry and sad
TxxnageDirtbag: i am not going to just go out and talk to her
istoleyourspot: you can change what's GOING to happen.
istoleyourspot: well, then, fine.
TxxnageDirtbag: anyways she doesnt want to talk to me
istoleyourspot: if you aren'ts going to make an effort, that's your decision.
TxxnageDirtbag: she made it clear that she never wants to talk to me again
TxxnageDirtbag: so its not my decision
istoleyourspot: then challenge her, I don't know!
TxxnageDirtbag: what ever
TxxnageDirtbag: ur being a bitch
TxxnageDirtbag: i dont wanna talk to u anymore
TxxnageDirtbag: just shoot me in the head
istoleyourspot: you know what?
istoleyourspot: I'm fucking sorry.
istoleyourspot: I can't help you if you won't help yourself.
istoleyourspot: I don't fucking care if you've "tried", you need to try harder.
istoleyourspot: it's your life, you make your own decisions.
istoleyourspot: I can only give my opinion.
istoleyourspot: Goodbye. And good luck. You'll need it.
TxxnageDirtbag signed off at 9:45:26 PM.

TxxnageDirtbag: it would have been nice to still be her frined but i cant go back now
istoleyourspot: yes, yo ucan.
istoleyourspot: you can talk to her.
TxxnageDirtbag: no
TxxnageDirtbag: i dont wanna talk to her
istoleyourspot: why?
TxxnageDirtbag: i cant change what happened
TxxnageDirtbag: i am embarrassed and angry and sad
TxxnageDirtbag: i am not going to just go out and talk to her
istoleyourspot: you can change what's GOING to happen.
istoleyourspot: well, then, fine.
TxxnageDirtbag: anyways she doesnt want to talk to me
istoleyourspot: if you aren'ts going to make an effort, that's your decision.
TxxnageDirtbag: she made it clear that she never wants to talk to me again
TxxnageDirtbag: so its not my decision
istoleyourspot: then challenge her, I don't know!
TxxnageDirtbag: what ever
TxxnageDirtbag: ur being a bitch
TxxnageDirtbag: i dont wanna talk to u anymore
TxxnageDirtbag: just shoot me in the head
istoleyourspot: you know what?
istoleyourspot: I'm fucking sorry.
istoleyourspot: I can't help you if you won't help yourself.
istoleyourspot: I don't fucking care if you've "tried", you need to try harder.
istoleyourspot: it's your life, you make your own decisions.
istoleyourspot: I can only give my opinion.
istoleyourspot: Goodbye. And good luck. You'll need it.
TxxnageDirtbag signed off at 9:45:26 PM.

FUCK YOU.

I'm so fucking tired of this. Why the fuck aren't you grateful that you have all that you have? The greatest person I ever knew is DEAD and you're bitching. Fuck it.

istoleyourspot: "everyone's-wounded-bird-Alex"...
istoleyourspot: lol
istoleyourspot: where'd you hear that?
pointxyourxgun: You.
pointxyourxgun: That's how you described him.
pointxyourxgun: Don't you remember?
pointxyourxgun: Your parents were driving us to dinner at that place.
pointxyourxgun: We ate outside.
pointxyourxgun: There was a pet store nearby.
pointxyourxgun: You bought crickets, I think.
istoleyourspot: ...
istoleyourspot: you remember that?
pointxyourxgun: sorry. it figures that I remember this and not the quadratic equation.
istoleyourspot: ::blinks::
istoleyourspot: I'm touched.

My Jones Soda cap told me something interesting today.

Six months with Fritz. What is that? Well, it's a long time. It's the longest relationship I've ever had. It's half a year of happiness, romantic involvement and adoration. It's barely a fraction of the time we're going to be together.

I can hardly describe how I feel when I think of him, when I'm around him. Everything in the world turns to dust and all that's left is him, his dark hair, his pretty eyes, his expressions, that way he looks at me, his smile. He's like a drug: I can't get enough of him and I suffer without him. I've never been so comfortable around someone, so adoring of someone, so in love. I'm so at home with him that I can talk about anything, do anything, say anything, and I'm not embarrassed, no matter what it is. I could sit for days and simply bask in the warmth of his gaze, lay silently forever in his arms and feel his heartbeat. It's almost too perfect.

I never knew this existed.

maddhatter1250: I'll get the knife, you get the virgin
maddhatter1250: and stonehenge
istoleyourspot: Thank god I'm no longer "the virgin"
maddhatter1250: yeah, we can't sacrifice you
maddhatter1250: although you ARE pure enough
maddhatter1250: hmmmm
istoleyourspot: I'VE HAD SEX MORE THAN YOU HAVE!!!
istoleyourspot: whoa.
istoleyourspot: that's a liberating statement.

Yesterday was fun. I showed up at Fritz's house at around one and he was still sleeping. We were both sleepy, so we napped together in his bed for two hours. It was so perfect and wonderful. In those strange periods between being asleep and being awake, where everything turns black and all you can focus on are your thoughts, I realized that in four years, I'd be able to do this every day. It's now one of the few things that motivates me. After the snoozing stopped, the goofing off began until 4:00, when my mom called and told us to come back to my house. So, we did. At my house, Alex called and then came over. We started watching Donnie Darko and then decided that we'd finish it at Alex's house. We migrated once again and soon after, Josh came over, wearing all black with bondage stuff and chains and zippers and he looked really good. We ate pizza, had ice cream and drank root beer up the wazoo.

Donnie Darko is an incredible movie. If you haven't seen it, you need to.

After them movie was over, we thought about going downtown, decided against it, and went to 49er Video and got some movies. Soon after we returned and started watching "Idle Hands", I had to go, so Fritz skated with me home.

ALEX GAVE ME HIS WONDERFUL PAIR OF HARDCORE RIPPED AND SAFETY PINNED PANTS!! OH GOSH, IT'S PURE SEX!

Quality time with my dear, dear friend Arthur. I love Arthur. Props to Arthur.

I miss Eric and it kills me. All his DeadJournal rantings are about Becca now, which yes, I understand; we aren't anywhee near as close as we used to be and he and Becca seem to have REALLY hit it off to the point of best friends. It makes me want to cry though, when he talks about her her her her her. I admit, it's mostly my fault that we're not best friends anymore and I know it's a part of growing up, but growing up fucking hurts, especially when you lose your best friend to it. I don't know what to do, really. Maybe I should just deal with it? Maybe.

I swear to god, I must have an eating disorder, because I NEVER STOP DOING IT.

maddhatter1250: and my dad got me butane and a mini zippo fluid container
maddhatter1250: its so cute
maddhatter1250: :-P
istoleyourspot: only you could make a flammable substance "cute"

I think I should've started crying in math class on Friday when Mr. Grahl was making fun of me. Just to show him that sometimes it's not funny and that sometimes he's a fucking butt hole. Sometimes I feel the need to RIP him a NEW butt hole.

::snickers::

I'm going to play guitar now.